My Life Beyond Normalcy

Tears Want to Fall

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 06:32:01 GMT

I wanna cry.
I really, really do.
Of course, the tears wanna fall when they should not be....like while I'm at work or in the grocery store or some damn thing like that.

I wanna cry and I can feel it.
I feel so low, so depressed, so down.....like I'm caving in, inside.
I gotta get the flood gates open!
But it's also way past my bedtime so I guess i gotta take this heartache to bed with me and see if I can get thru dreamland and another day of work tomorrow.
And see what happens.

'sigh'

It Hurts

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 07:08:58 GMT

This time the pain is not in my vagina nor my vulva.
It is in my heart.
The place where I feel love and emotion and compassion.
A recent breakup is causing the pain. I have a lot of anger regarding it.
I need to get thru that before I can finish grieving over the loss of the man I thought was the one I'd be with for the rest of my life...the man who had me completely fooled into thinking he felt exactly the same way.
And when I say anger, I do mean ANGER. But my true feeling is that I wish him happiness with his new girlfiend (oh how I hate to use that word in this situation).
I only had about a month of grieving, then I jumped right in to other activities (and persons) to occupy my time and body and mind and thirst.
But it's wearing off and what I really need is coming thru the facade and all the muck of my current pastimes.
I hate him, and I love him.
And I would never, ever, want him back.
That is one thing I know for a fact.
And it's time for me to get thru this, feel the pain, and get my new life in order.

Writer's Block: Giving Thanks

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 15:22:04 GMT

I am very thankful for my awesome job, my wonderful mom (& that she lives only about 20 minutes away), my health - in every aspect, even though I am not cured of VVS or IC and am still overweight), my fantastic NVVO friends & what we are doing, my good friends that I still have after several years (some I've known over 1/2 my life - and I'm 36 yrs old!!), an excellent therapist, and for living in Portland Oregon.
:-)

Julie

I'm Home...So Now What?

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 01:27:35 GMT

So there are days when I want to stay in my apartment and not see anyone. Because lately it seems like I'm always on the go, people are wanting to see me, and I'm driving here and there and everywhere.
Ok so it's a Sunday nite and I'm home. That's what I wanted, right? I should be happy, right? So why did I just stuff myself on Wendys dollar menu and crap I have in the house, and now have no motivation to exercise or unpack or organize my apartment? (I just moved to this apartment mid-Sept)
I wanna lie down and nap. And then most likely sleep thru the nite til tomorrow morning - to get up and go to work. Fun. Especially when I'd told my boss I'd come in at 6:30AM instead of my normal (and still-too-early) time of 7AM. Great.
And I'm feeling distressed and lonely and melancholy and lost and disconnected and lifeless and blobby and fat. And frumpy.
And my laptop battery is about to die but I don't feel like getting outta my chair and going over to the power supply and plugging it in.
I wanna lie down.
I have a bedroom that looks like a tornado hit it.
I haven't taken a shower today.
I miss my "male friend" but I know it's only for the companionship and affection.....nothing more.
I love having my own apartment, but it can be dangerous for me. I must be careful not to fall into the mouth of the Beast of Depression....which has trailed me (and sometimes owned me) since I was a pre-teen.
So now I will stop writing and go do something else. Even though no one seems to read these posts, they comfort me. After all, it's like writing in my diary and I've been doing that since I was 8 yrs old!!
heehee.
:-P

Julie

People's Court & My Laptop

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 00:41:28 GMT

It's Monday.
I'm watching People's Court and doing laundry and realizing I'm very hungry and checking email on my laptop.
And I'm sad.
Disillusioned with myself. My Self.
I'm poor these days. I owe money tomorrow that I do not have.
Yet for some reason I'm not flipping out.
But my stomach is flipping. Nerves. Since I was a child, that's how I've reacted to most of life's events.
Asa a matter of fact, I'm gonna make a tuna sandwich.
And will post more soon.

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 05:33:49 GMT

Hi.
I'm new here.
I will fill out my profile stuff soon.
I'm gonna go to bed.
I work Mon-Fri at 7am til 3:30. I need like 10 hrs of sleep, seriously, to actually feel awake.
My head is ready to explode from everything floating around in it, and also weighing it down.
I like to blog, write, journal, etc.
I think I'm gonna like this website.
I hope I meet some cool people who have some of the same crappy conditions as I.
:-(

Bye for now.
Sorry I don't have much else to say. I'm tired. And still slightly hung over.
And a lil dehydrated. And in need of a shower/hair-washing.

Julie